Content Warnings

This story touches on some topics that may make some readers uncomfortable. In particular:

• Deadnaming
• Mild transphobia
• Bad blood-family
• Running away from home

Foreword

I originally wrote this as part of an assignment. We were to reflect on some readings about happiness as queer people. It got me thinking quite a bit about various things going on in my life and what I fear.

Rak'ch-i isn't exactly me, but she represents a version of me that I may possibly become in the future. Not necessarily the version of me I will become, but a version of me. And she's a dragon because humans are boring :3

Anyways, here is the story.

Rak'ch-i

The muffled pounding of big reptilian footsteps on carpet permeates the room as the door slams shut. As she storms in, Rak’ch-i sits down on the chair by her workstation and slumps her head down on the desk, arms folded so as to conceal the tears flowing from her eyes.

---

The home Rak’ch-i now unleashes her sorrows in was the home she lived in so long ago, back when she was a different dragon.

Way back then, in a time that feels like ancient history to her, Rak’ch-i didn’t call herself by that name — in fact, she looked completely different. Her back scales were left as their natural color, her wings were sharp and angular, her wardrobe was unrecognizable. Only her roar, her big, deep, guttural roar, is the same as it was during that time.

It was five years ago when Rak’ch-i realized her true nature, sparking the internal conflict that has plagued her up to this point. This conflict did not regard her own feelings towards her nature — that, she readily accepted — rather, it was towards her mother’s. Rak’ch-i had been paying close attention to how she spoke, and she had come to realize her mother would likely not accept her as herself.

In her impulsive panic, not ready to face her fear in the slightest, Rak’ch-i fled. She abandoned everything, and crossed the continent to live with a friend she had never met before, the only dragon she could trust to be her true self around who lived away from home.

And over the five years that passed, Rak’ch-i accepted her new life. She became who she is today, fully integrating herself into the life she built. By the accounts of all her friends, she is happier than ever.

---

None of Rak’ch-i’s friends know why she decided to go back there for a visit. At the airport, Som-sha, one of them, tried to talk her out of it.

“You’re crazy. They haven’t changed, yet you still wanna go back.”

“I have to do this. I destroyed their lives. I need to fix this.”

“It doesn’t matter. Fuck them. All I want is for you to not be disappointed.”

“But I need them.”

“You have been perfectly fine without them. All you’re gonna get over there is sadness. Don’t go.”

“I need to at least try. If I don’t, I will die not knowing.”

“...”

Rak’ch-i’s echoes of Som-sha’s words from when they first saw each other granted her passage onto the airplane. Rak’ch-i distracted herself during the long flight and the ride on the familiar silver bus. When she made it to her old home, she rang the doorbell.

After an agonizingly long few minutes, her mother opened the door. She greeted Rak’ch-i in like any guest, and invited her to sit at the dinner table. After preparing some drinks and sitting down, she spoke.

“Gal—”

“Rak’ch-i.”

Rak’ch-i’s mother paused, then began again.

“Forgive your old mother for forgetting your name.”

“Ok.” Rak’ch-i knew deep inside she was giving her mother too much leeway.

“My child, I want to know why you ran away.”

“I had to do it.”

“You destroyed our family.”

“And I built a new one.”

“That is no excuse for what I had to go through. I was very disappointed to see you gone.”

“It was the price I had to pay to be my true self.”

“Be your true self? For what? You left a comfy life with people who loved you just to look like that?”

“You don’t understand, mom! I’m happy this way! Can’t you see?”

“Galam’or Myak-sh’r this isn’t—”

“RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

The ceramic plates in the cabinets clanked as the room shook. Afterwards, silence. Rak’ch-i, shaken, stands up, head slooped down. Her mother stares at her, then continues her last sentence with a tear in her eyes.

“This isn’t you. You need to go back to your old, happy self.”

Rak’ch-i stormed off to her childhood bedroom, kept as it was from when she left.

---

As she broke down, Rak’ch-i couldn’t help but think about how her mother hadn’t changed at all. “Why does she still hold on to this idea of me?” She wondered. “All she wants is just a normal life for me, for me to be happy. But I am already happy! Why does she want to take this away from me?”

After more sobbing, Rak’ch-i pulls out her laptop to try to distract herself. By sheer chance, she is pinged by Som-sha right as she opens it up.

“heyyy rakchi, how are you holding up?”

Rak’ch-i chose to message back.

“heyy... yeah you were right.”

“look, i’ll save the ‘i told you so’s for when you get back. for now, what happened?”

“she deadnamed me. asked me to go back.”

“damn”

“i... cant help but think tho. i did abandon her. and as much as i hate what she did i want her to be happy. nobody deserves to be unhappy. she cares about me.”

It took a little while for Som-sha’s response to come in.

“look. she may be unhappy, but making her happy should not come at the cost of your own happiness. you’ve found actual joy in coming to live with us. you may not be able to make everyone in your life happy, but my goodness you should at least make yourself happy. i know you still love your mom but you should not need to sacrifice your true self for this. things may have been rocky but you’ve overcome. you don’t need to be ‘happy’ to your mom anymore, you can be ‘joyful’ with us.”

“i suppose so...”

Rak’ch-i opened up a new window and booked a hotel room. She was not crying anymore.